. Are You Turning Toward? by Tom Terez Andy approaches his boss with the finished report. "We finally got those numbers we were waiting for," he says. The boss keeps working. Fifteen seconds tick by. Andy clears his throat. He shifts uncomfortably. He's about to leave when the boss suddenly raises his head and speaks: "What time is it on the West Coast?" Huh? What? Andy shrugs, wondering what the finished report has to do with a different time zone. The boss continues: "I need to call someone in California, and I just wanted to make sure I had my times right." Andy resists the urge to roll his eyes. His boss is always doing this -- ignoring others while operating in his own world. Later in the day, Andy is with other colleagues. They're talking about their regular staff meetings, and there's agreement that these weekly get-togethers are terribly unproductive. Andy offers a suggestion: "At the end of each meeting, let's spend five minutes creating an agenda for the next meeting." Susan reacts: "Are you serious? Those five minutes will expand to 10 or 15 minutes -- more wasted time. Besides, there's no way this group can stick to an agenda." Andy shuts up and vows to keep future ideas to himself. What's happening here is a "bidding process." The term, coined by relationship expert John Gottman, Ph.D., conveys how we try to engage one another. We make bids for connection -- as Andy did with his boss and, later, with his colleagues. We make bids all the time. Many take the form of a question: What's the weather for tomorrow? How are you doing? What should we do with those year-old accounts? Where should we have our next meeting? Others come in the form of a statement: I hope you'll join me for lunch. I really need help from a creative person like you. You look like you could use some help. Still other bids are more subtle, taking the form of a gesture or look. Have you ever used facial expressions to send a nonverbal message to a co-worker? Perhaps it's in a meeting where you're trying to explain something. You keep talking and talking, but no one understands and you need help -- so you give your trusted friend a knowing look as a way of saying, "C'mon, bail me out!" As the workday unfolds, we're also on the receiving end of bids. How do you respond? Are you the kind of person who's easily engaged, who's receptive to people's bids for connection? Or do your actions or words say something different? In his book The Relationship Cure, Gottman describes three ways in which people respond to bids: they turn away, turn against, or turn toward. The case of Andy and his boss is a classic example of turning away. The boss is preoccupied -- and remains so despite Andy's arrival with the report. The encounter with Susan is an example of turning against. Andy puts forth an idea, and Susan smacks it down. The best response is the one in which people turn toward the bidder. The boss could have said: "So those numbers finally came in, eh? You put a lot of work in that report." Or he could have said: "Andy, I'm really focused on this California project right now. Let's schedule a time later in the day to go over the finished report." As for Susan, who reacted negatively in the meeting, she could have fully vented her opinions while still "turning toward" Andy. Here's how: "Andy, I agree that having an agenda would help. But how would we go about agreeing on it and sticking with it?" With her question, Susan even makes a bid of her own. What about you? When you make bids for a connection with someone, are you being clear enough so the other person will understand? Are you saying what you mean and meaning what you say? Take the case of Sarah, who tells a colleague: "I'm having an awful day." But what Sarah really wants to say is: "This is the fourth time in a row you've been late gathering the sales figures for the weekly presentation. I know the figures are sometimes hard to pull together, but the delays are causing me to rush around at the last minute. Is there something we could do to prevent this?" So why not say it? How do you respond to bids? Do you sometimes turn away by consciously or unconsciously ignoring people when they approach you with bids? Do you remain preoccupied with your own work? Are you easily distracted? If so, keep in mind that the more you turn away from people, the more they'll turn away from you when you're the bidder. Are you a bit like Susan, inclined to respond with sharp opinions regardless of the emotional fallout? Do you sometimes go for the clever put-down or use your bigger title to crush someone's idea? At least occasionally, we all engage in turning-against responses. The key is to be aware of when we do and to keep them from becoming our knee-jerk response of choice. Otherwise, your own bids will bring out the worst in people. Could communication and relationship-building be this simple? Could it really boil down to the notion of a bidding process with three responses? See for yourself. Pay close attention to how you make bids, and scrutinize how you respond. If you're brave enough, ask colleagues what they think -- do they see you as someone who turns away, turns against, or turns toward? Then be ready, willing, and disciplined enough to make the needed adjustments. Expect to see some incredible results. ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Tom Terez (TomTerez.com) is an international consultant and frequent speaker on organizational performance (BetterWorkplaceNow.com) and personal excellence (InnerBest.com) Copyright 2007 Tom Terez. All rights reserved. Copyright © 2008 Tom Terez Workplace Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved. P.O. Box 21444, Columbus, Ohio USA 43221-0444. Tel. 614-488-9721. 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